A-Hole is My New Favorite Word

My son’s first word, or one of them, was shit.  At least that is what it sounded like when he began babbling it, as luck would have it- during a visit with my mother-in-law.  Shit! 

Having a kid around is like having an network censor, except my three-second delay is broken.  Like my mother before me - I have been known to curse and will likely curse again in front of my child. It’s not like I use the 'F' word in general conversation with my son. It's more like - Whoops, I just said Fuck! ...Bleep!! Have you ever noticed that expletives seem to have a symbiotic relationship with vocal punctuations?  FUCK is like a leech on the exclamation mark, and often BULLSHIT follows around the question mark.  Therefore, it’s easy to see how these words can slide out by mistake in the rare ‘oh-shit-what-did-I-just-say’ moments.  

When these unplanned occurrences happen in front of my child – now 9, there is a general protocol that follows after.  He laughs and says, “Mom, you just said a bad word,” essentially tattling on his mother, to his own mother. And then I say, “I know, but you know not to say that, right?  It’s a terribly nasty word!”  And then we laugh again and eat an apple pie or something wholesome.  Later on, of course, I stick a bar of soap in my mouth.

Surprisingly there is no parenting book on the subject of profanity and children**.  But it seems parents and society in general have come to the collective consensus that the two not be mixed.  Minor slip-ups aside, I’ve dutifully kept them separate.  Until recently.  Recently, I not only used a-hole in a conversation with my son, I broke it down.  In all its unabbreviated glory, I actually defined asshole for him. Sure he’s 9 so he’s heard it before, and knows what it means.  The point is I crossed the line. (**or for that matter what to do when your 12 month old starts babbling shit to your mother in law There probably is, but none that I know of.  Any takers?).

The day he came home from school complaining about a not-so-nice kid is when I found myself on the other side of that line. Basically a playground bully was doing his job that day.  The kid in question had a mean reputation - and not in the nice sense.  The thought of someone deliberately hurting your kid does terrible things to the heart.   My initial thoughts on his mini -crisis would have technically made me a sailor.  However, restraint was calling.  It was a short call.  After all it was, as Oprah touts, “a teachable moment.’  

I seized the opportunity to teach my child a universal truth - the world is full of Aholes, and people who behave like them. Seriously, if Aholes didn't exist, neither would the word (in the non-literal meaning).  No need to take their Ahole behavior personally. There was some more in between, but I neatly ended the Ahole lesson with a quote from Disney, “ let it go.” He giggled and the mood lightened, and not only did he feel better, but I did too. So that was my response: cold and raw and with a heaping side of my favorite, albeit abridged, curse word Ahole.  We shared the dish.

Sometimes cursing is just necessary. First off, there are no synonyms that do any of them justice except other curse words. The fact is these words are cathartic by nature.  When used properly, the effect can be intensely gratifying, and in this case, alleviate a situation. And on the right occasion, bad words taste so damned good coming out -- it’s like the reverse gratification of chocolate. Like anything, though, overuse will diminish their flavor.  

So don’t worry I’m not going to employ Fuck, Shit and Ahole in my daily dealings with my son from now on, even though I seriously think Ahole is the funniest word on the planet (for the moment).  He is also well aware that he is not to direct that word to the Ahole on the playground, or to anyone else. I view our Ahole conversation as a short but necessary educational detour.  And I’m cool with it. Why?  Because we are hard wired by our ancestors to nurture, protect, and prepare our kids for survival without us. I mean shouldn't we be honest with our kids about what's out there?  The reality is, there are some harsh winters outside of the family nest.  So the more layers my son eventually leaves with, the better. If that means he’s got some profanity at his disposal, so be it.  

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If only our dog could talk - wonder if he's a potty mouth too?